Desiderata
by ellieloves2read
Summary: Olicity's interactions, missing moments, and inner thoughts for season 3. "With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy". Just posted a new chapter for 3x07.
1. Chapter 1

**"Desiderata"**  
><strong>Chapter 1<strong>

**Disclaimer:**  
><strong>Everything after 3x01 is fair game.<strong>  
><strong>English is not my first language.<strong>  
><strong>Arrow is definitely not mine.<strong>

**####**

Me:  
>Writing this Arrow fanfiction, for me, is a way to channel my frustration after being seduced so thoroughly just to be pushed over a cliff and then shattered into little pieces of broken hope.<br>Exaggerating much? Not really! Perhaps I won't be as disappointed if the teasing of the possibility of Olicity was not exaggerated as it was in 3x01!

I'm digressing. Forgive me T_T

Hello, Hello! This is my second story for Arrow. For those of you who had read my first story "Never Again", this will basically run in the same direction. I hope you enjoy this one too.

Each chapter will be on the short side, unless I find the ability to write longer chaps _

**####**

**"With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,**  
><strong>it is still a beautiful world.<strong>  
><strong>Be cheerful.<strong>  
><strong>Strive to be happy"<strong>

**####**

Inherently, Felicity Smoak was a happy person. When life got her down, she had some true-and-tested methods to pick herself up.

When she was feeling blue and gloomy, she would dress herself in bright invigorating colors.  
>These bold colors agreed with her. They complemented her fair complexion and she wore them like no one else.<p>

When the blue and gloomy feeling escalated, she would turn to the delights of freshly brewed coffee. A cup of coffee could always calm her down.  
>Everything was right with the world once she had had her first cup of Java.<p>

Back in the days when she was still one of the IT grunts in Queen Consolidated, she had liked listening to music with her big noise-cancelling headphones.  
>That habit was nonexistent after Oliver had asked her to be his Executive Assistant, which was understandable given her position then.<br>She also understood the importance of not using her headphones during her nightly routine at the foundry; seconds of delay could mean life and death for the team.

The holy trinity, however, were tucked safely in the comfort of her apartment; Great entertainment, ice cream, and wine - In that exact order.  
>She could spend the whole night and a better part of the day, burrowing in an imaginary world of movies and series, leaving her real-life problems behind.<br>She could dig under the bottom of her ice cream tub and let her worries melt away.  
>She could drown her sorrow and her tears in a bottle or bottles of wine, lots and lots of wine.<p>

Inherently, Felicity Smoak was a happy person. When life got her down, she had some true-and-tested methods to pick herself up.  
>Sitting now in her bedroom, in the dark, still wearing the dress she had worn visiting Digg and Lyla at the hospital, she unconsciously raised her fingers to touch her still tingling lips.<p>

A first kiss, which was also their last. How in the world could she pick herself up now?

**####**

Me:  
>I would love to hear your opinions. Please do tell my what you think in the review.<br>Thank you for reading!

**####**

"Desiderata" (Latin: "desired things") is a 1927 prose poem by American writer Max Ehrmann.


	2. Chapter 2

**"Desiderata"**  
><strong>Chapter 2<strong>

**Disclaimer:**  
><strong>Everything after 3x01 is fair game.<strong>  
><strong>English is not my first language.<strong>  
><strong>Arrow is definitely not mine.<strong>

**####**

Back from Russia, Felicity had drowned her sorrow in ice cream. More than one pint had fallen victim that day.  
>Her hip never quite forgiven her for that.<p>

Fortunately, all those icy goodness had helped her came to a resolution that day, to never again be stupid enough to think that there might be a future between her and the then vigilante, to never again let herself hope for the impossible.

After all, it was not Oliver's fault that her heart had got broken in the first place. It was all in her vivid imagination.  
>And so she had decided to pick herself up, and just be the person Oliver wished her to be, his trusted IT Extraordinaire slash Executive Assistant.<p>

Life was better for her after that. She had learned her lesson and came out stronger.

Then, along came Slade.  
>With his righteous revenge plan paired with a slightly, if not thoroughly messed-up mind, he had seamlessly inserted his hold unto Oliver with the sole purpose of torturing him by delivering the people Oliver loved into the ground.<p>

No one was safe.  
>Slade had managed to always be one step ahead of everyone and lives had been lost.<p>

Losing Moira had brought out a new depth of torture for Oliver.  
>She had wished that there were something that she could do to alleviate the pain she had seen in his eyes, but he had been inconsolable, blaming himself for his mother's demise, refusing to listen to reason.<p>

Instead of consoling him, he had demanded her to shift her full focus on bringing Slade down. And she had done her best to do so.

She did, however, have felt really guilty and ashamed of herself.  
>As mentioned before, it was a dangerous time. Lives were lost, the city was turned upside down, and Laurel was kidnapped.<br>Oliver, in one of his "need-to-know but I hope you'll play along" mode, had decided to throw caution into the air and let out a breathy "I love you… Do you understand?" straight to her face, and then inconspicuously handed her the syringe.

One second was all it took for her heart to soar like never before and another second for it to plummeted back down to earth.  
>She had been ashamed for feeling both elated and disappointed at that crucial moment. Lives were at stake, she shouldn't be concerning herself with her unrequited feelings!<p>

She always prided herself cause of her work with The Arrow, helping people, building a better city, saving lives. It had been a disappointment to know that she was capable of feeling conceited.

After the showdown with Slade and the almost dying part, AND the pretend "I love you", she decided she needed something stronger than ice cream. It was time to dig up her supply of red wine and let the intoxication began.

Surprisingly, she was sober enough after that, to accompany Oliver on his trip to see Slade incarcerated.  
>Their conversation on the beach confirmed her previous thoughts; Oliver was merely selling it to the camera that Slade installed on the manor. He even complimented her on her acting ability, just another confirmation that she really did have a vivid imagination.<p>

Life was better for her after that. She had learned her lesson and came out even stronger.

####

I don't know how or why I didn't just start from 3x01.  
>I have this need to show that Felicity had learned to manage her expectation when it comes to Oliver and became stronger in dealing with disappointment.<p>

I hope it makes sense.  
>Thoughts?<p> 


	3. Chapter 3

**"Desiderata"  
><strong>**Chapter 3**

**Disclaimer:  
><strong>**Everything after 3x01 is fair game.  
><strong>**English is not my first language.  
><strong>**Arrow is definitely not mine.**

**####**

Long rambling first:

I felt the need to clarify  
>The Felicity in this story is strong. She knew and or felt the connection between her and Oliver, no matter how persistent Oliver tried to say otherwise.<p>

At first, she took Oliver's words at face value. She began to think that it was all in her imagination. So she steeled herself from further disappointment and moved on.  
>Along the way, with her shell hardening, the tension between them was also increasing.<p>

It happened on top of one another.  
>1. Things escalated between them<br>2. Oliver denied his feelings, lying to her and himself  
>3. Felicity swallowed her disappointment and decided to let him be, understanding that he was not ready<br>4. She toughened up and moved on.

Like I said before, this Felicity is strong. She won't be waiting for Oliver on the sidelines. She would be in the game, alongside him. She would face whatever happened between them and deal with it as best she could.

But repeating that cycle means losing a little hope along the way. When all was lost, she would have no choice but to accept the reality that it might never happen and that the best course for her was to move on, permanently.

As with the rest of us who have made this kind of decision, it was done out of self-preservation, preserving the heart from being broken all over again.  
>Makes sense?<p>

Those of you who have read my first story "Never Again" knew that I also tell the story from Oliver's POV.  
>I had loathed him when I wrote "Never Again", hated his indecisiveness.<br>It was a great feeling to have him suffering on the inside with his conflicted feelings towards her.  
>Just might do it again here ('',) Hope that clarifies some questions you might have.<br>Thanks for reading.

**####**

**Flashback:**

It was looking like the start of a great week.  
>Crime rate was down, employment rate was up, and the four of them worked like a well-oiled machine.<p>

Roy, whom Felicity had dubbed as "little Arrow in training", had proven himself to be a great asset for Team Arrow.  
>Oliver had trained Roy in the arts of street fighting and archery; bowls of water was slapped and the foundry was never dry during that period.<br>Felicity was ecstatic when that training phase was over.

Diggle had trained him to be functional on either working independently or in a team environment. She recalled the boot-camp period he had insisted them doing, despite her objection to being unable to see the daylight for a week.

She had trained Roy on reading and on how to act on the instructions she would usually give during their many missions, and there were, indeed, many missions.  
>After all, they had the whole city to clean up. No rest for the wicked, she always said.<p>

Given the nightly hours needed to cleanse the city and the working hours needed to fend for herself, monetarily speaking, Felicity realized that she was not as tired as she should be after having worked around the clock as she did. She knew that it was due to their changing dynamics.

All was well with Team Arrow.

Yes, Oliver had lost control of his family's home and company, but since Slade was incarcerated and no direct threat was visible in the vicinity, there was like a weight had been lifted from his shoulder.

He still missed Thea and wished for her to come back soon, but it did not consume him like before.

He was also carefree about the fact that he had to live in the foundry, which prompted her to bring him a fern to keep him company, to which they joked freely about it, sans any awkwardness afterwards.

All in all, their relationship, as in friendship relationship, was blossoming. She saw him smiling a lot during his talk with Diggle, then there was the smirk he let out when Roy was complaining during their training sessions. The prize, however, was the chuckles she received during one of her famous ramblings. She would never admit that at times she deliberately let loose of her filter just to listen to him chuckling a laugh at her.

Diggle had jokingly said that his boot camp really brought the team together, but the three of them knew that the reason behind the team's positivity was Oliver's good mood.

Felicity was having the time of her life. In her mind, there was only one thing that would top this feelings of contentment she was feeling, but through many life lessons she'd learned, she knew it was an impossibility, and she was too smart to keep on hoping on the impossible.

And then he asked her out.


	4. Chapter 4

**"Desiderata"**  
><strong>Chapter 4<strong>

**Disclaimer:**  
><strong>Everything after 3x01 is fair game.<strong>  
><strong>English is not my first language.<strong>  
><strong>Arrow is definitely not mine.<strong>

**####**

**Last chapter:**

Felicity was having the time of her life. In her mind, there was only one thing that would top this feelings of contentment she was feeling, but through many life lessons she'd learned, she knew it was an impossibility, and she was too smart to keep on hoping on the impossible.

And then he asked her out.

**####**

Felicity Smoak, for all intents and purposes, was an honest person.

The few friends that she had, had told her repeatedly, on many occasions, that she was too honest for her own good.  
>Either her ramblings gave her up, or her very vivid facial expressions betrayed her.<p>

The years she spent with one Oliver Queen had given her the ability to mask her emotions when certain situation presented herself.  
>Oliver Queen asking her out on a date was one of those certain situations.<p>

She was shocked, to say the least. He did ambush her on her way to the foundry. She didn't recall him ever doing that.  
>In the past, the old Oliver would usually waited for her inside the foundry with his brooding face, ready to put her to work searching for this and that, hacking into here and there.<p>

Apparently, the new Oliver who liked to joke around and were more touchy-feely with her, had decided to wait up for her in front of the back alley of Verdant.  
>If she put too much thought to it, she would be flattered by his eagerness to see her. But since she was much too shocked by his question, that thought did not come until later.<p>

Felicity hoped that she had managed to school her expression when he said what she thought he had said. There was still a possibility that she had misheard or even having a very real delusional moment.

In the span of seconds, she felt herself experiencing a variety of emotions; shock, elation, denial, disbelief, and hope.

She dismissed him by thinking that he was joking, a cruel joke at that, but still a joke.  
>He laughed his signature laugh, the one she thought he reserved only for her, and assured her with stunted words that he was indeed asking her out.<p>

There were two voices demanded to be heard inside her head.  
>One voice was encouraging her to accept his invitation, to believe in the notion that he was now ready, ready to start this thing between them, which was postponed many times before.<br>Another much smaller voice was asking her to think things through, to remember the pain he had unintentionally caused, the sorrow and the heartbreak of being in a one-sided love with him.

He had hurt her before, that was true. But she was also fair enough to understand that he did not do it intentionally.  
>Love cannot be forced. No matter how deep her love was for him, she would never blamed him for not returning it.<br>And now he stood in front of her, knowingly asking her, with the clearest of intention, to go out on a date with him.

She decided to take the leap of faith and once again allowed herself to hope.


	5. Chapter 5

**"Desiderata"**  
><strong>Chapter 5<strong>

**Disclaimer:**  
><strong>Everything after 3x01 is fair game.<strong>  
><strong>English is not my first language.<strong>  
><strong>Arrow is definitely not mine.<strong>

**####**

**Last time:**

Inherently, Felicity Smoak was a happy person. When life got her down, she had some true-and-tested methods to pick herself up.  
>Sitting now in her bedroom, in the dark, still wearing the dress she wore visiting Digg and Lyla on the hospital, she unconsciously raised her fingers to touch her still tingling lips. A first kiss, which was also their last. How in the world could she pick herself up now?<p>

**####**

The room was dark.  
>Felicity had forgotten to turn on the lights.<br>In a daze, she had entered her apartment and walked straight to her bedroom. No visit to the couch where she stored all her entertainments. No visit to the refrigerator where an abundant of ice cream pints were waiting for her. No rummaging the top-shelf cabinet for her wine collection.

Sitting now in her bedroom, in the dark, still wearing the dress she wore visiting Digg and Lyla on the hospital, she unconsciously raised her fingers to touch her still tingling lips. A first kiss, which was also their last. How in the world could she pick herself up now?

It was bittersweet, these feelings roaming inside of her.

She needed to compartmentalize.  
>Figured out why things turned out like it was. And she needed to do it fast, before her tears decided to start falling.<p>

**####**

She remembered feeling high on being the focus of his attention.  
>Since the first time they met, there had always been someone else in his eyes, another woman's image in his mind.<br>She had been in love with an unattainable man, who had never looked her way twice.  
>She was a friend, comrade in arms, but was never more. A position she had accepted and grateful for, because she knew how difficult it was for him to let someone else in.<br>And she was one of the lucky few to be let in.

When his focus had finally shifted to her, she was a goner.  
>Oliver was looking at her with an intensity threatening to bring out a flush to her cheeks. His eagerness towards their date had prompted a warm feeling inside of her, the kind of feeling that made her want to reach out to him and just hold him tight for being too cute for his own good.<br>She was grateful, however, for not blurting out that thoughts. She could just imagine how Oliver would have reacted to being called 'cute'.

And then, there was the look on his face when their eyes had met at the restaurant.  
>She had been a nervous wreck, when she felt a gaze, an intense gaze belonging only to the most intense person she ever met, pouring all over her, warming her skin.<br>She looked to the left, and there he was, looking at her like…like she was the only one person in the world, the only one that mattered.

The restaurant faded away, all the chattering stopped, there were only two people, fixed where they were, staring at one another for what felt like minutes, but was in fact only seconds in reality.

They started their date acknowledging the nervous state they were in. She was humbled to know that Oliver was also nervous, which could only mean that they were, for once, in the same boat.

The conversation started and he was more open to her than he ever did before.  
>In the past, there were yelling and intrigues needed to coerce him into spilling his guts. They had had many heart-to-heart conversations, but those were mostly instigated by the situation. Oliver had never willingly shared details of his life like he did on their date.<p>

"You were the first person that I could see as a… a person. There was just something about you," he had admitted openly.  
>Felicity shook her head in mirth remembering her weird response to that was by remarking that she was chewing on a pen, which was so not in line with the point he was making, but was soon proved to be worth mentioning, because it let her know that he had remembered the detail of their first encounter.<br>Thus releasing another wave of that warm fuzzy feeling.

He continued by mentioning his previous thought about not being able to be with someone he could really care about, and that he might be wrong in thinking like that.

There was a pause in the conversation then, because he was giving her time to let his words sink in, and she was gathering her scrambled thoughts, trying to form a sentence.

Did Oliver really say what she thought he had said?  
>These few days had made Felicity rethink every words that came out of his mouth, because most of them were too good to be true.<p>

She was saying something, forming a question for Oliver, when she saw the change on his features.  
>His jaw was clenched and… her world went dark.<p>

**####**

Me:  
>There's going to be another chapter of this before we arrived at that scene on 3x01. You know which scene I was talking about.<br>And the reason behind me spreading this into two chapters was because I need to know more about their interactions in the upcoming episode before I decide where I want this story to lead to.

After all, for me, this story is a companion piece of the series. The thoughts and the emotions made up in this story are like a prolonged sideshow - Behind the scenes. So they must be in tune with the series.

Well, at least, that's the point I was trying to achieve. Ehehe. Thanks for reading!


	6. Chapter 6

**"Desiderata"**  
><strong>Chapter 6<strong>

**Disclaimer:**  
><strong>Everything after 3x01 is fair game.<strong>  
><strong>English is not my first language.<strong>  
><strong>Arrow is definitely not mine.<strong>

**####**

Me:  
>Loving 3x05 The Secret Origin of Felicity Smoak!<br>Besides the fun scenes with her mother and the other characters' reactions to said mother, there was this one scene which I cannot wait to write about!  
>Hint hint, it's gonna be in Oliver's POV. Care to guess which scene? ('',)<p>

Thanks to cruzstar, Luv2Co, Redlioness62, MarshaMac1215, CITigerFan, and happysmoak for reviewing.

A special shout out to Olicity Lover for reviewing every chapters, even the fake one where I rambled to no end. I am overwhelmed, truly humbled, and positively giddy to read your reviews!

Thanks for those of u who had favorited and followed this story (o''o)

**####**

There were numerous ways to end a first date.  
>Felicity had had a respectable amount of first dates; some ended with an invitation to a second date and so on.<br>Never had she ever had one ended with a literal 'BANG', pun intended, like her date with Oliver.

**####**

She woke up in fright, screaming his name.

The incident happened so fast, but Felicity remembered seeing Oliver's face before her world went dark.  
>There was fear in his eyes, which was a feat in itself, because Oliver Queen a.k.a The Arrow usually spat in Fear's face. But in that instance, there was fear in his eyes; fear for the gruesome things he knew were about to happen, fear for their unforeseeable future, and most of all, fear for her safety.<p>

Even in a situation where both of them might not survive, he was more fearful for her safety, instead of his. She carried that knowledge into her subconscious, knowing what she knew, which he might not predicted, that in the world of Felicity Smoak, if a danger was imminent, she would always be more concerned for HIS safety.  
>And so, she screamed out his name. Logically thinking, the world needed him more than it needed her. In her case, she needed him to survive because she could not imagine her world without him in it. As simple as that.<p>

However, the reality was never that simple.

Once she got over the relief of seeing him alive and in one piece, the look on his face turned her insides cold.

Sure, he was attentive and were gentler when cleaning the debris off her and when addressing her wounds, but Felicity had learned cataloging his facial expressions these past years, and she recognized his resigned look.  
>He was used to making speed decision on a daily basis, his life depended on it; On deciding where to shoot his arrows, where to jump, how to react, and so on. Most of it was muscle memory, but speed action was one of his best fortes. NOT so much when it was applied to other aspect of his life.<p>

The look on his face told a story. In a span of seconds, he had submitted his inquiry, argued his case, discussed the pros and cons, reached a verdict, and closed the case.

In the case of Oliver Queen's Misguided Way of Thinking vs. Oliver Queen's Feelings and Other Things Who Must Not be Mentioned - the judge, Oliver Queen, ruled in the favor of Oliver Queen's Misguided Way of Thinking.  
>She never stood a chance.<p>

It started in the way he dismissed her concern over him getting injected with a strong psychotropic and chose to answer with a question regarding Lance's condition instead.  
>Gone were the nights when he would let her fuss over his injuries, when they would talk cheerily and easily conversing about ferns and beds.<p>

Then there was the conversation they had after the ruined board meeting to take back QC, when he voiced his concern of his worst fear on being himself, on what would happen if he let himself be Oliver Queen. She suspected what he meant to say was "I think I'm scared of what would happen if I let myself be Oliver Queen… with you."

Another red light emerged during the conversation between Oliver and Diggle. She imagined that conversation happening between the two of them instead:

Oliver: "I have changed. My risk can't be your risks. Felicity, you have a life, life I can't have."

Felicity: "Oliver, I've given the past two years of my life to your crusade. I don't know what that's supposed to earn me, but it earns me at least the right to make my own choices."

Oliver: "No, it doesn't. This is my crusade, which makes this my decision."

She was not trying to lessen that pivotal moment between Oliver and Diggle and made it all about her. She was not that vain. But she could not shake the feeling that his words were directed to her too; that their coming conversation would be the same in nature.

She tried her best to reign in her tears then. She would show him that she could take it, take this life of leading double lives, of facing the consequences of being with both Oliver Queen and The Arrow. Maybe then, once she had showed him what she was capable of, they would have the talk and the outcome would be different.

**####**

Back in her room, Felicity heaved deeply. Her eyes had adjusted nicely to the darkness inside her room.  
>There were silhouettes now when previously there were none. The soft light was hurting her eyes, which was burning with un-shed tears; tears she kept at bay, but not for long now.<p>

Her plan had been brilliant enough. Stall, stall to her heart content!  
>No talk until she could prove to Oliver what she was capable of. All of which was thwarted when they were visiting the new parents in the hospital and Diggle let out the dreaded "You were right."<p>

It was true for Diggle. Oliver was right in Diggle's case. Diggle's future would be shared with Lyla and his daughter. They were, for lack of a better word, his better halves.

That was not the case for Felicity. She could have been his better half, and he could have been hers, if only he would let what's happening between them run its course.  
>Oh the agony of 'shoulda woulda coulda'.<p>

Felicity knew that once they talked, at that exact moment, when Oliver was feeling justified and reassured of his decision, that it would be over.  
>But there he was, making his case, which he had already ruled out in his favor, saying all the words Felicity knew he would say.<br>Words she had played over and over in her mind. And she snapped.

Nothing hurts more than seeing the possibility of a great love, but unable to do anything about it because the other half refused to play along, refused to play in the game of love.

She had promised herself to never again put herself in this position, hoping for the impossible, longing for him to love her like she loved him.  
>She despised playing alone, to be the only one in love. But did she listen to herself? No! And look where that got her, arguing with the love of her life on a hospital's hallway, begging him to stop leading her on, to just free her of this torture of being in love with him, to admit that he had never loved her.<br>Because then, maybe once he did say it, she would be free.

Of course, with Oliver, nothing was ever easy. He pushed her and he reeled her back in. Catch and release.  
>All he needed to do was to say "We will never be. I don't love you."<br>Instead, he decided to give her the best bittersweet first kiss she had ever had and told her not to ask him to say that he doesn't love her.

It was the last straw for Felicity.  
>How could she handle not being with him after that kiss and his declaration of unsaid love?<p>

**####**

Felicity's hand reached up to touch her lips again. She could still feel the warmth of his lips, the tickle of his stubble, and the lingering scent of Oliver.

Her tears started falling, finally.


	7. Chapter 7

**"Desiderata"**  
><strong>Chapter 7<strong>

**Disclaimer:**  
><strong>Everything after 3x01 is fair game.<strong>  
><strong>English is not my first language.<strong>  
><strong>Arrow is definitely not mine.<strong>

**####**

Me:

I had promised on Oliver's POV and here it is.  
>As usual, we're gonna start from the beginning and work our way (or maybe just skip it) to the brief moment in 3x05 I've mentioned before.<p>

Thanks to onetreefan and Luv2Co (again) for reviewing.  
>You don't know how much I appreciate reading your reviews.<br>Thank you.

**####**

He had imagined kissing her on many different occasions.  
>The last of which, was when they were in the restaurant before it was blown up to smithereens.<p>

He had been in the process of admitting something he never told anyone before, not even himself, to the lady-in-red in front of him.  
>He knew, despite his own denial to himself, that he remembered every detail from the moment they first met.<br>He remembered the slight leap of his heart, the little tug on his lips signaling that he was unconsciously smiling, his real smile, not the fake one he was accustomed to.  
>So of course, he remembered that she was chewing on a red pen.<p>

What he didn't know was how that little information, of him remembering the color of a pen she was chewing, brought out the warm slightly-unbelieving-but-otherwise-happy expression on her face. The kind of expression that was urging him to lean forward, hold her glowing face with his hands and take her plump lips with his own.  
>That being said, he had no regret not kissing her that night, because if he had, he would be so lost in her, that he would have missed the incoming RPG.<p>

He had made the decision once to not pursue whatever it was that he had going on with Felicity, out of fear of what might happen to her, of the danger he might brought into her life.  
>She was already in danger by being in the team, but that will doubled once his enemies found out they were in a relationship. He had made that decision with a heavy heart, but the pressing matter was her safety.<p>

They went on with their double lives after that. Both denying they had feelings with each other, him especially.  
>Both carried on as usual, their feelings simmered down in the surface.<br>And then Slade happened, and he witnessed firsthand how strong she was in the face of danger.

He remembered her face when he told her he loved her.  
>He remembered her face when he handed her the syringe.<br>He remembered how shattered he was after that, knowing how afraid she was when he left her at the mansion, knowing that Slade would come after her once he had left, knowing that her bravery, despite her fear, and her trusting him was what made her going through with being bait.  
>Knowing that when he told her he loved her, he had meant it.<p>

There was no going back after that.  
>She had almost died in the hand of his nemesis and survived, they were closer than they were before and he thought their moments had finally come, well Diggle had a hand in making him come to his senses, but he did ask her out.<br>And everything was going well, until it wasn't. And he was back to arguing with himself.

Two sides of him were battling each other.  
>The rational one told him to leave her be, she was safer without his love, one day she would find a man who would see her like he sees her, another man who would make her happy.<br>But the thought of it brought out the other side, the selfish side of him, the one that knew that no other man could truly love her like he did, no other man could truly appreciate the warmth of her smile, the brilliance of her ramblings, the bravery inside.  
>Felicity Smoak was one of a kind, and it would be a travesty if she was loved by a man unable to see all sides of her, unlike him, who did.<p>

It was this side of him, who finally decided to kiss her.  
>He knew it was wrong; wrong to kiss her while planning to not see their story through.<br>But she thought he didn't love her, and he needed to let her know that he did. That he was sacrificing his feelings and hers because he loved her and how devastated he was that it was his love for her that put her in danger. He was living by two names and it means him not having any choice.

That changed when their lips collided.  
>He felt that he could do anything, that together they could do anything, despite the odds stacking up against them.<br>He tried to tell her all the things that he couldn't before with that kiss. Finally they were together and again everything was right with the world.  
>Up until the moment she broke the kiss and left him standing there, lost once again.<p>

**####**

Me:  
>Makes sense? Like it? Hate it?<br>Let me know what u think in the review, pretty please?


	8. Chapter 8

**"Desiderata"  
>Chapter 8<strong>

**Post 3x05**

**Disclaimer:  
>Everything after 3x01 is fair game.<br>English is not my first language.  
>Arrow is definitely not mine.<strong>

**####**

Me:  
>We're picking up right after the end of 3x05, with a little flashback to pre 3x01.<p>

**####**

Oliver was sitting on the floor of Thea's new loft.  
>He had decided to meet her sister halfway with their previous dispute regarding Merlyn's money and brought her a huge bag of popcorn to start off their housewarming slash bonding session.<p>

Said huge bag was now in the possession of said sister, who were chomping down on the popcorn like there was no tomorrow.  
>She had downsized it to half the package, and it was a huge package to begin with. Oliver hadn't even gotten more than a couple of handfuls before she snatched it off his hands and taken claim of it.<br>Damn, she was faster than him when she needed to be.

"Did you bring any chocolate?" she asked without turning her head from the TV. Her left hand were busy with the remote, surfing the channel trying to find some new show, while her right hand kept on making a round trip from the popcorn bag on her lap to her mouth.

"Chocolate? I brought you a seriously huge bag of popcorn," he replied, "which I should point out, was to be shared with your beloved brother."

She shot him a look and reluctantly passed the bag with a note, "here, you can have a handful."

Feeling elated, Oliver scooped out a big handful of popcorn. She said a handful; sue him for having a big set of hand.  
>He was starving and the pizza they'd ordered was not due for another 30 minutes, at least.<br>He was flinging some into his mouth when he remembered her request. "By the way you've been hogging the popcorn, I doubt you'd need chocolate by the time our pizza arrive."

"Just had a random thought that it would be nice to mix this up with some chocolate. Don't know where I remember it from, could be from a movie or a friend told me that," she shrugged her shoulders and directed her attention back to the show she had finally decided to watch.

Oliver did not know what the show was; he paid no attention to the TV. Thea's words brought up a memory of another time, another setting, and another girl with bouncy curly blonde hair.

####

Since losing control of the Queen Mansion, Oliver had been living in the foundry. It was no difficult feat.  
>By a long shot, his time on the island were much more strenuous. It was not a comparison, really.<br>The foundry was clean, well stocked, he could sleep basically anywhere, and his gym was already there. It was like a one-stop place for Oliver, and he was grateful for it.

Furthermore, the place was rarely empty. Besides having the full team when they have an Arrow mission, there was always a steady traffic of coming in and going out.  
>He would never admit it, but he liked it that way. He had been alone for far too long.<p>

Still, at a night with slow activity, Diggle would went home early to be with Lyla, Roy would holler "later!" and went off on his own, and Felicity…she would be either working the late shift at the Tech Village, or at home, binge-watching her series, which he knew because she had complained that their 'arrowing' activities had put a dent on her schedule.

It was at a night like this, when he despised being alone at the silent dark foundry with nothing to accompany him but his own thought, a beep was heard from the top of the stairs signaling an entry followed with a feminine gasp and suddenly his mood was lighter.

"Oh my, why is it so dark in here? Oliver? Oliver, are you here?" She asked while stepping down the stairs carefully.  
>"Don't play with me, mister! No more scaring me half to death this time!"<p>

In his defense, he had never intentionally tried to scare her, well, most of the time.  
>He was just stealthy in nature. But to amuse her, this time he would at least try to make a sound before approaching her.<p>

"I'm here, Felicity. Let me switch the light first. What are you doing here? I thought you were planning on making the best of your off night"

He moved to the stairs and pull up the lever and was rooted where he stood.  
>Felicity's eyes were squinting from the sudden light, she was wearing her MIT sweater that was about 2 sizes too big, dark comfortable pants, and flats. Her hair was curly and free of its usual ponytail. There was no make up visible on her face.<p>

Oliver thought she was beyond beautiful.

He must have temporarily lost his ability to function cause the next thing he realized was Felicity looking at him in confusion, because he was blocking her way, preventing her from stepping off the stairs.

Once he regained control of his body again, he stepped aside and let her passed him by, which was a mistake, because her scent engulfed him and he knew for a fact that she had went home to shower and went right back to the foundry, which in turn brought up another thought, that he would never share.

He watched her walked to her desk, letting out the contents of her enormous bag, and started setting something up, which got him curious.

"Felicity?" He inquired again.

She turned to face him; there was a huge smile on her face. "Come help me set the chairs!"

She bounced happily to the far end corner where the stock was stored along with some foldable chairs; the kind of comfy chair used for camping and other leisure activities. Oliver didn't even know they had those; he would start rummaging the foundry next thing tomorrow and see what else he had missed.

He helped her set the chairs in front of her very imposing screens and thus started the beginning of their impromptu movie nights.

She didn't offer an explanation as to why she had decided to go back to the foundry to have a movie night with him.  
>He didn't even ask her. He knew that somehow, against all odds, Felicity knew he didn't want to be alone tonight, and so she came back to accompany him.<p>

She started the movie, explaining that if they did not finish the trilogy tonight, there would definitely be another movie night.  
>And then she handed him the bag of popcorn from her bag, opened a small bag of chocolate and poured the contents to the bag of popcorn. She gave it a couple shook and let out a satisfied "voilà!"<p>

The bag was placed right under his nose. Her eyes were challenging him, testing whether he was brave enough to try something she knew he never tasted before.  
>Everyone had his or her own preference of movie snack. Felicity was presumptuous enough to think that he would love this concoction.<br>And as always, she was right.

Their movie nights were one of the few best things to have ever happened to him.  
>Amidst all the violence, tragedy, and loneliness in his life, it balanced him…<em>she <em>balanced him.

With a single decision, it was no more. Since the night he kissed her, the only reason she came into the foundry was for their crusade. Even then, she was always the first to leave once a job was completed.

Since then, he had spent his nights waiting for the beep at the top of the stairs, waiting for the light she usually brought into his life.

Nowadays, they couldn't even have a normal conversation. The only kind of conversation they could have, without all the awkwardness, was when they talked about work.  
>Other than that, he could feel her closed herself off, drifting away from him.<p>

Case in point happened just today.  
>It had been a long time since there were just the two of them in the foundry and she was discussing her ex boyfriend, and how old lovers have a way of opening old wounds, to which she pointed out, in true Felicity's style, how creepy it was to say 'lovers' no matter how you say it. He had laughed then. He couldn't help his reaction when it came to Felicity. She had a way about her that would always bring out his most honest reaction.<p>

So there they were, conversing about something other than work, and he was comforting her about how every experiences that she went through had shaped the person she was today, and then she smiled at him, which made him felt that maybe everything would be alright between them, which in turn encouraged him to open up his big mouth again and reminded her how he feel about her.

It was the wrong thing to say. She closed herself off after that, deflecting his words easily.  
>Ironically, it was usually his M.O. He was the one who usually used that kind of deflecting method on her.<br>Every time she asked him questions he'd rather left unanswered, he would ignore her.  
>Every time she showed him some emotions he'd rather left unresolved, he would steered her in another direction.<p>

Now the tide had turned and he was the one on the receiving end, the one who was given the cold shoulder.  
>She had dismissed him and it had hurt. But he only had himself to blame. Because if one single dismissal from Felicity could hurt him like this, it meant that he had been hurting her for much longer and much deeper.<p>

**####**

Me:

When I saw this scene between them, I got super excited seeing their interactions.  
>It was about time Felicity did that to Oliver. I've watched that scene over and over again, and I still reached the same conclusion.<br>What do you think? Was I overreaching?


	9. Chapter 9

**"Desiderata"  
><strong>**Chapter 9**

**Post 3x07  
><strong>**"****Draw Back Your Bow"**

**Disclaimer:  
><strong>**Everything after 3x01 is fair game.  
><strong>**English is not my first language.  
><strong>**Arrow is definitely not mine.**

**####**

Oliver had been staring at Felicity for the past forty minutes.

Earlier, Roy had taken his leave after stopping a burglary and handed over the knocked out perpetrators to the SCPD. He was mighty pleased with himself on his solo achievement, especially after nurturing his bruised ego over his previous encounter with Carrie Cutter.

Oliver had simply given him a thumb up and Roy had left the foundry with a subtle smile on his face.

Sara was having a fever, and being a new and paranoid parent that he was, John had decided to stay at home and regained his role as a slightly neurotic father. So then, all who were left at the foundry was Oliver and Felicity.

She was typing with the usual lightning speed on her modified 'hacking' stations. She had came saying that she needed to upgrade a certain program, a program which name escaped Oliver when she had tried to explain it to him.

Felicity was now fully embedded on her 'stuff', missing the way his eyes lingered on her back, making their way up to her shoulder and to the small crevice towards her delicate neck. She was sporting her usual ponytail. The last time he had seen her, her hairstyle had been very different from the usual. He remembered that it had been braided neatly. A hand, which was not his, had been holding her jaw in place while the owner was kissing her; tasting the plump lips he himself had tasted only briefly weeks before.

The distinctive pain on his chest came back with a force.

It had been torture seeing her being kissed by Ray Palmer, the same man who had taken Oliver's company, erased his family's name, and changed it into his own. When Barry had came trudging into their lives, Oliver had discreetly felt threatened. He saw the way Barry and Felicity connected and despite all his denials, he had been worried. But Oliver regarded him as a boy, a mere boy who was still struggling to find his identity and his place in the world. Knowing Felicity, Oliver knew that in the long run, a boy would not win her over. Even though the circumstances had changed somewhat, she had come back from Central City without a boyfriend in tow, which he was grateful for.

That being said, Ray Palmer was a man, a self-made man whom by all accounts would beat Oliver if there were ever a competition judged based on wealth, brilliant corporate mind, and a guy-next-door look. He was the kind of man that women would fight to bring home to introduce to their parents, the kind of man to settle down with, to lead a live with. A kind of man who, in Oliver's mind, was more worthy to be with Felicity Smoak.

He had seen the way Palmer regarded Felicity on the news, and he also did not miss the way she regarded him back. There was a sense of camaraderie between the two of them. Palmer and Felicity had exchanged a look that was usually thrown between Oliver and Felicity. He had felt the pain then too, though not as massive as the night he had seen them kissed.

It had taken all of his self-restraint not to come barging into her office and maim Palmer badly for daring to take what was his. A deep rage had clouded his eyes for a second, before he remembered that she was not his to begin with, that he had given up his chance to be with her, that he had no right to feel wronged or cheated.

He had immediately turned his back and ran to the emergency stairs, distancing himself far away from what he knew usually follow the kiss he had seen. He ran all the way to the ground floor, neglected to use the elevator, chosen instead to punish himself for his stupidity by exerting his body nearing a state of delirious.

When he had finally reached the ground floor, he was so out of breath that his head started to spin and he had needed to lean unto the emergency door before he passed out there and then. His lungs had burned with the extra need for oxygen and his muscles had screamed with fatigue. But the sting that Oliver remembered the most was the burn that came from the unshed pain on his eyes.

From thereon after, he had moved on autopilot. Having no other destination besides the foundry, he had found himself awaken from his stupor only for it to be replaced by a deep-seated fury. He had wanted to break something then, needed it more than he needed his next breath. Things were shattered and then his sight caught the only bright thing on the foundry, the fern Felicity had brought for him before.

There was a brief moment when he had wanted to break it too, wanted to destroy the evidence of her care, feeling somewhat angry towards her for making him lose his focus, for making him want to pummel an innocent man to death, for making him regret his unwillingness to merge his dangerous crusade and his love for her, and for making him love her the way he did.

The moment passed faster than it appeared because he knew then that no matter what might happened between them, he would never again knowingly hurt Felicity.

Which brought him to this moment, of him watching Felicity for the past ten minutes, knowing without her saying that something was bothering her. He could tell from the way she stroked the keyboard, from the stiff posture of her back, from the missing hum of her enjoyment of working with her 'babies'. Something had happened and Oliver needed to know. He hated seeing her like this. He had promised her that she could always tell him about her day. It was time to make good on that promise.

**####**

"Felicity," he started.

The click clacking sound of Felicity typing was momentarily stopped upon hearing him called out her name. Oliver could sense her hesitation, but he had decided to carry this though. He crossed the short distance from the training mat to her desk and stood firmly on her side.

"Mmmh?" she replied without looking his way and continued typing, though in a more moderate speed.

Oliver cleared his throat with a simple cough. Suddenly it was harder than before to start off a simple conversation with her. "So…you never did tell me about your work dinner last night. How was your night?"

She tilted her head and looked at him in a way that reminded him of the very first time he ever lied to her about a bullet-ridden laptop. She was giving him her best 'are you serious?' look. He couldn't help feeling a bit amused by it, but knowing that he had no answer for her unvoiced question, he decided to just stay silent and waited it out.

"Why do you want to know?" she finally queried, curious with the intention of his question.

She stopped typing entirely and swiveled her chair to better look at him. Her eyes were wide and he could see there was a certain degree of vulnerability there. It tugged on him. The truth had been a long time coming, and so he decided then that from thereon after, he would always tell her the truth.

He took a nearby chair, positioned it in front of her, sat down, looked her in the eyes, and started his journey to regain her friendship.

"I know things between us have been a bit…difficult lately," he started. She gave him a 'you think?!' look. He smirked at that and continued, "but I just want to remind you that before we became…complicated, we were friends first. And I also want to remind you that I once said that you could always tell me about your day. So, yeah… want to tell me about your day?"

To say that Felicity was shocked was putting it mildly. She had on a deer-caught-in-the-headlights look and said nothing for a couple heartbeats. She kept looking at him like he had lost his mind or she had lost her mind, or both!

"Who are you and what have you done with Oliver?!"

He laughed at that. Even in the most awkward situation, she was always able to bring out a laugh or two out of him. _God, he loved her._

"I promise you," he said with a chuckle, "I am the one and only Oliver Queen, of the formerly Queen Consolidated, ex CEO, ex owner, ex Billionaire, currently holds job as The Arrow, protector of Starling City."

His carefree answer worried her even more; she was oblivious to the fact that around her, his burden was lighter. She scooted closer to his chair, forgetting momentarily about their complicated situation, held out her hands, and cupped his face.

"Oliver, are you okay? Like literally okay? Diggle mentioned that you and Roy were eating a late dinner with him and Lyla last night. Did Lyla served something out of the ordinary? Something along the line that includes a certain drug or herbs from ARGUS? I don't think she would. She wouldn't do that! Not to Diggle or you or Roy. Have you been eating something you shouldn't have?"

The warmth of her hands on his cheeks was both a blessing and a curse. She rambled beautifully and he was trying his hardest not to kiss her there and then. Her thumbs were swiping on his cheeks slowly. She was genuinely worried, looking for sign that he might be intoxicated, because in her mind, the only way he could have asked this kind of questions was when he was otherwise inebriated.

"Yes, I am okay, literally okay. Lyla served normal food. I don't think she would serve us any drugs or herbs. I have been eating normally, no drugs whatsoever. The question here is not whether I am okay; the question here is whether you are okay. Are you okay, Felicity? Is something bothering you?"

She came to her senses then, realizing too late that she was holding his face with both her hands, noticing the closeness of their position. Immediately she retracted her hands and put them on top of her lap, twisting them nervously. Oliver felt the loss and reacted. He covered her hands that were on her lap with his bigger hands and held it there. He tugged on them, urging her to look at him, eye to eye.

"Tell me about your day," he said with a lower voice, "Please?"

Another heartbeat passed and they she yelped, "He kissed me!"

Felicity gasped, abruptly took her hands to cover her mouth, and then she was unstoppable.

"Oh my gosh, I cannot believe I told you that! Of all that is holy, I cannot believe I told you that!" She stood up, her chair was pushed backwards from her movement and she started pacing in front of Oliver.

"I know I said that it was a work dinner, and it was! I didn't even stay for the whole dinner because you needed my help finding your fan girl, which was psy to the cho, if I might add. But then I went back to the office because I was depressed and you know me, I cooled down surrounded by all those nifty techs. So I went to the office, and he was there, and we were talking, and suddenly he kissed me!"

She stopped pacing, stood in front of Oliver while wringing her hands. Her breath was labored from her fast delivery. Oliver craned his head to look at her, choosing his words carefully.

"Are…are you happy with how the night had turned up?"

There was no reply from Felicity. She was having trouble forming words.

"I am asking you this because I noticed you were not quite yourself tonight," Oliver explained again, "I didn't mean to pry. Just wanted you to know that I'm here for you. You - you were always there for me when I needed you the most. I think it's time I return the favor."

There was a change in her features right after he said that. She stopped fidgeting, her hands no longer twisting. The sadness in her eyes was more pronounced.

"Don't do that," she whispered, "You are not allowed to say these kind of things to me."

"What…"

She didn't let him interrupt her.

"You kissed me, Oliver!" she shouted. "YOU kissed me! Told me in a roundabout words that you might even love me, which surprise surprise, was not even enough for you to begin a relationship with me! You had your reason. And I tried to understand them as best as I could. I decided to move on with my life, thinking there is someone out there who would love me and do something about it. First there was Barry, sweet Barry who had taken a liking to me, but still very much in unrequited love like myself. And then Ray came along. I thought he chased me down because he desperately wanted me to work for him. Never thought to think twice about him wanting me for others than my brain until he kissed me last night. And even then, behold the awesomeness of Felicity Smoak, who garnered the attention of not 1, not 2, but 3 amazing men! All of which had kissed her in the past year. All considered her to be remarkable. None really wanted her…"

Tears were storming down her face by then. Oliver was stunted silent. She closed her eyes and asked the questions she had dreaded to voice before in a whisper, "What's wrong with me, Oliver? Why aren't I enough for you?"

This was it. Oliver knew this heartbreaking moment was the turning point for them. He rushed to her, holding her tight to him. His heart was breaking along with her sobs, with every shakes of her body. He did this to her, made her feel that she was not enough, made her feel unloved. When the reality was he was the one who was feeling unworthy of her love, unworthy to cause her life-threatening danger due to his love. It was time for a change.

He stroked her hair while comforting her, waiting for her to calm down a little before saying the things he had been itching to say to her.

A couple minutes passed and her sobs were no longer shaking her whole body. Oliver released his hug; his hands traveled from her back to her arms, up along to her neck, and ended their journey on the sides of her cheek. His big hands covered most of her head. He needed to make sure she saw him clearly for this, saw that he was not just saying this to ease her mind, saw the truth in his eyes.

"Felicity Smoak," he declared, "There is nothing, I repeat, NOTHING is wrong with you. From the first moment I have stepped inside your cubicle, I was hooked. I might not know it then, I might pretended to look the other way, I might denied it along the way, but let me tell you now, without a doubt, you ARE a remarkable woman, a beautiful, brave, brilliant, funny, slightly neurotic, loyal to a fault, one of a kind woman, and I love you."

Felicity's jaw had dropped down. Oliver knew it would be a while before she could truly grasp what he was saying. He swiped his thumbs on her cheeks, asserting his words with his actions.

"Your mistake was thinking that you are not enough," he explained further, " I was the one who was feeling unworthy of you. I am a killer, Felicity. I am a broken man. Being with me would taint you. You're the light, the light in my darkness. How someone like you could possibly love someone like me, I would never know. I could not even fathom why you would want to risk your life further by being with me. But seeing now that I am not the only one hurt with my decision to keep us apart, I decided to just be my selfish self and just _be_ with you." He added with a low voice, "If you would still have me…"

It was the longest seconds in Oliver Queen's life, baring his soul to the one woman who had the capability of hurting him deeply, simply because the saying was true, the person you love the most was the one most capable to hurt you. But this was Felicity, and he would not let her go without a fight.

"You're not a killer…" she finally managed to let out, "not anymore." Her hands had regained their motoric use and she placed it firmly on his chest, desperately bunching up his shirt. Oliver felt immediately at ease with that small gesture, it was a wonder how her little touches had managed to bring a peace of serenity in him.

This time it was Felicity who tried so desperately to maintain eye contact with him. "And you are not broken, you're mending. But please don't put me in the pedestal, Oliver. I'm far from perfect, we shouldn't be perfect together…"

"Then what should be we?" he asked with a smile on his face.

"Perfectly imperfect together?" she offered.

"That sounds…perfect"

They smiled to each other. Oliver held her closer and his hands had moved to caress her hair. Felicity's hands were moving back and forth, drawing a pattern on his firm chest. Their eyes trained to each other.

"You're you, Oliver. How can I not love you?" she added with finality, as if that sentence made all the sense in the world.

Despite his many flaws, Felicity had decided that he was worth loving. He finally had the courage to do what he had been wanting to for a while now, landing a second kiss on his girl.

It was like he imagined, only better. Significantly better. She was soft on all the right places, warm and inviting. Her gasp soon turned into moans. His tongue trailed her lower lip, demanding an entrance. And when she relented, he was the one gasping. Their first kiss had been chaste. This one was none like it.

"Oliver… Oliver?" he vaguely heard her calling out his name. He loved hearing her calling out his name.

"Oliver?" Felicity tried again.

Oliver closed his eyes and when he opened them again, Felicity was looking at him weirdly. Dread came over him. She was standing a couple feet away, far away from him. Her bag was firmly planted on her shoulder.

"I'm heading out now. The program is fully upgraded, we'll run even faster than before." There was a tentative smile on her face. She was still looking at him weirdly.

"Okay," he managed to say.

She nodded awkwardly and walked to the stairs, leaving him alone in the foundry.

Oliver had been staring at Felicity for the past forty minutes.

The universe was playing a cruel trick on him. And when he finally came to understand what had truly happened, that the fact was that there was nothing happening but him staring at Felicity the whole time, wishing for the courage to do what he couldn't do before, he let out a sarcastic laugh.

The universe was giving him what he deserved.  
>There he was, hoping that his dream was his reality.<p>

**####**

**Don't kill me. It had to happen.  
><strong>**Oliver was distraught. Daydream came and went.**

**Furthermore, I need it to happen! I know I was in waaay over my head with this long chapter, the longest one I ever did. But the muse demanded to be heard, and I did.**

**Thoughts?**


	10. Chapter 10

**"Desiderata"  
><strong>**Chapter 10**

**Post 3x09  
><strong>**"****The Climb"**

**Disclaimer:  
><strong>**Everything after 3x01 is fair game.  
><strong>**English is not my first language.  
><strong>**Arrow is definitely not mine.**

**####**

**My goodness, thank you for the reviews!  
><strong>**There was a moment when I thought that there was an error with my email notification because there was no way I have these many reviews (o''o) I'm blown away with all the wonderful reviews!**

**Please do sign in so that I could thank you properly instead of thanking you as "Guest".**

**_Olicity Lover_ questioned if I changed the chapters and deleted a chapter because she wanted to review Chapter 9 but couldn't. Yes I did. Thanks for pm-ing me your review. You are wonderful!**

**Thanks to _C.I. TigerFan, cruzstar,_ _onetreefan_, _dralexbanner_, _Olicity fan_, _FelicityForever_, _SmoakyQueen_ for reviewing the last 2 chapters.**

**Happy Christmas to all!**

**I'm sorry if this this is too short. I wrote this on and off during Christmas (prior, during, and after) and the original idea was lost on me.  
><strong>**If this does not fall in line with the rest of the episodes once Arrow is back on January, I will delete the chapter as to not disrupt the story.**

**####**

The light above her flickered. Hazily, Felicity looked up and saw it flickered once more, taunting her to snap out of the out-of-body trance she was in ever since Oliver had told her he loved her.

It was not the "I love you" itself that stumped her. She knew that he loved her. She could see it from the way he cared for her without ever being too conspicuous about it. She could sense it from the way his eyes followed her movements, which he thought she didn't know about, but she did. But most of all, even when it pained her, she could _feel_ his all-consuming love, the one he never professed to her, the one he so vehemently chose to hide from the world, from her, from himself.

Still, despite all odds, it was not the "I love you" that stumped her.  
>The fact that he said it with such joy, <em>did<em>.

He had uttered the words with a smile he rarely shown to anyone outside of his inner circles. Even then, it happened only occasionally. Besides that, there was the imminent relief shown on his face. It was almost as if the words itself were a burden if left unsaid, and so he said it with such conviction and with such giddiness unheard of to the few people who knew him well. There was also a hint of surprise; as if he was amazed he still had it in him to say those words to another person.

That being said, these were all her assumptions. She couldn't even react properly to his admission of love before he hastily left to do what only he could do, sacrificing himself for the safety of the masses and to ensure the safety of Thea.

Come to think about it, she wouldn't have known how to react to his admission even if an opportunity did presented itself. Would she have said the words back to him? Would she have crossed the several spaces between them to embrace him and finally continue their brief-but-memorable first kiss?

And then it clicked, she figured out why in that crucial-but-unexpected moment she didn't respond. She knew him well. Well enough to know that when he had said it, he was not expecting her to say it back. He was merely stating a fact, a true fact. The truth was still the truth even when left unspoken. It was the truth that he loved her. It was the truth that she loved him. And that was enough for him, knowing in his heart that she loved him, even when she didn't say it out loud.

_Damn that insufferable man!_ Declaring he loved her and then off to a duel with one of the most-feared man in the shadow world. He had to come back, he must heed her warning and come back to her safely, just so that she could grill him about whether his declaration would change things between them or not. But that was not the most important thing in the world right now. The most important thing in the world was for him to come back.

She could deal with a world of uncertainty. Let him came back and took back his words, she would have dealt with it like a champ. She only wanted him to come back, loving her or not was the least of her concern. Because a world without him, _that_ she could not deal.

Steps down the stairs stopped her line of thoughts. Years working with them alerted her that these heavier steps did not belong to the man currently in her mind.

"Are you alright?" Diggle questioned softly.

A brief moment passed before Felicity turned her back and looked him in the eyes. Hers were shining with un-shed tears she did not know were there on the first place. A heavy breath was taken before she could voice her troublesome mind.

"Will he be back, John?" Felicity asked brokenly.

John Diggle put both of his palms on top of Felicity's shoulders and conditioned her to look him straight in the eyes.

"He will be back, Felicity." He started. "One way or another, he will be back."

Felicity nodded once and let out a breath she had been holding.

"I love him." She started; the words demanded to be said.

"I know." He replied.

"He loves me." She continued.

"Felicity,_ that _I have known for quite some time."


End file.
